Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
