life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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