you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
