i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
