I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
