she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
