having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
