The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I cut my penus on the lid.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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