So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
