Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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