tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
