Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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