If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
