Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dicks are not precious.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
