at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
