he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
