I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
