I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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