your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
