Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
