You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
