this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
