I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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