I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
