No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
