She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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