I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
