is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
