Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
