I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So much rum. So many feels.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
