At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
