i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
