I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
As shirtless as possible
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
