if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
