there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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