woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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