wat bout pragnant strippers??
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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