Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
this hospital has no fireball
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
