I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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