the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
