So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
