I hate your face
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
