Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We are two peas in an std pod
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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