I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
