Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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