i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
