so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
