The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
