i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
