I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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